Toss me overboard

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Gary Tetz
Gary Tetz

Last time we talked, it was peppers and hooch. Now it's liquor and prostitutes.  As a long-term care professional, I imagine you're wondering what you've done wrong to encourage this trending moral free-fall in your facilities. 

But let me put your mind at ease. It's not you. It's me.

By consistently writing about these things, I am obviously causing them. By attempting to find easy, alcohol-fueled humor in obscure news stories, I'm clearly perpetuating the events on which I'm reporting. And like the Biblical prophet Jonah, perhaps I need to be tossed overboard to save the profession.

By the way, the prostitute was found under the man's bed. This means either the bed was too high and represented a serious safety hazard, or she was too thin and could use some sticky milkshakes. Both are serious problems that need to be solved, and this is not the time to assign blame or pass judgment.

Sadly, however, in this Pennsylvania county, outrage has replaced compassion and the resident has simply been expelled. This makes me sad. Kicking him out doesn't reduce the fall risk for future occupants. It doesn't solve the nutritional needs of the marginalized in our society. All it does is cut the supply chain of alcohol he was providing to other residents, since he was selling them the booze at a mark-up to help pay for the prostitute. As they go to bed without their vodka tonics tonight, my heart is heavy.

Anyway, back to the Jonah thing. I don't look forward to being swallowed by a whale, but I'm willing to accept it for the greater good. I just hope the trip from mouth to stomach is a brief one, and that when I get there, I'll find at least a bottle of Jack, and at a fair price.

Things I Think is written by Gary Tetz, a national Silver Medalist and regional Gold Medal winner in Humor Writing in the 2014 Association of Business Press Editors (ASBPE) awards program. He has amused, informed and sometimes befuddled long-term care readers worldwide since his debut with the former at the end of a previous century. He is a multimedia consultant for Consonus Healthcare Services in Portland, OR.


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Things I Think

Things I Think is written by longtime industry columnist Gary Tetz, who resides in Portland, OR. Since his debut with at the end of a previous century, he has continued to amuse, inform and sometimes befuddle long-term care readers worldwide.