As I was looking online for ideas for holiday gifts, I was stunned to see so many bizarre ideas are out there. I mean truly bizarre. 

One I saw was a wool throw blanket that looks like a piece of meat. Now I know my friends in Kansas love their beef, but I cannot imagine any of them wanting to be draped in a flannel steak.

I saw an ad for a Christmas screaming goat toy. Now I find the YouTube video of the fainting goats hysterical, but I am sure I’d go insane if my grandchild was playing nonstop with a screaming goat toy. 

Then I saw an ad for a set of holiday dad joke pencils. While my husband probably would love them, the rest of us would go nuts as he read them to us over and over and over. 

And who wouldn’t want a set of “Jingle Butts” — hand blown glass ornaments that look like a person’s behind but in festive colors. I guess you can combine it with a set of festive beard ornaments. (Yes, that is a real thing.)

One gift that boggles my mind is the padded toilet seat. I mean, how long are you going to be sitting on the toilet? Do you think your legs are going to go to sleep? Hasn’t anyone ever talked to you about bran?

Then there is the assortment of flavored candy canes that seem just so yummy!!! Sour pickle flavored candy canes, ketchup flavored candy canes, sour cream and onion flavored candy canes, hotdog flavored candy canes, Dante’s inferno candy canes and bacon flavor candy canes. (OK, maybe the bacon ones would be worth a try.)

Of course, Hairball Kitty is a great gift because having a fake kitty hacking up hairballs is so much fun. 

I read that an often-given hated gift is a diet book. Like seriously, a diet book when you have all this delicious, delectable holiday food. Who is cruel enough to give this as a gift? Satan? 

The holiday drama emergency ambiance candle might be a good gift when your dinner guests start talking politics. However, the public toilet survival kit may be a gift I get myself. Yes, I suffer from public restroom anxiety disorder. 

But the very best gift is all of you, who dedicate your lives to making this world a better place every day. Thank you for your sacrifices large and small, for your dedication, and for caring. That’s the best holiday gift ever!

Just keeping it real grateful,

Nurse Jackie

The Real Nurse Jackie is written by Jacqueline Vance, RNC, CDONA/LTC, Senior Director of Clinical Innovation and Education for Mission Health Communities, LLC and an APEX Award of Excellence winner for Blog Writing. Vance is a real-life long-term care nurse. A nationally respected nurse educator and past national LTC Nurse Administrator of the Year, she also is an accomplished stand-up comedienne. The opinions supplied here are her own and do not necessarily reflect those of her employer or her professional affiliates.

The opinions expressed in McKnight’s Long-Term Care News guest submissions are the author’s and are not necessarily those of McKnight’s Long-Term Care News or its editors.

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