In my role as a long-term care psychologist in New York City, I try to ensure that each of the residents on my caseload makes the most of the time they have left in life and that they have a “good” death when the time comes. Then came COVID-19, which pushed a whole swath of people off a proverbial cliff. I was devastated.

The devastation was compounded by the fear of getting sick, worries about my own family, the secrecy around the numbers of residents who fell ill, the lack of attention from leadership to the plight of LTC elders, living in a hard-hit neighborhood, and witnessing the level of support given to hospital workers while LTC was ignored.

I became aware that I had signs of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. 

All my energy was directed toward the crisis on the job. I had little left for home. I thought of myself as having “symptoms” of PTSD, not wanting to believe that I couldn’t tough this out on my own. 

The honk of a car horn on the street broke my denial. 

I screamed aloud at the noise, and when I looked around, the people near me seemed more surprised at my shout than they were at the horn. I realized I was experiencing the “exaggerated startle response” I’d read about. I started by calling LTC psychologist friends and comparing notes on what we were experiencing. 

I changed how I conducted my work. I lowered my expectations of how many patients I could see in a day, and what I could do to help them when we were all vulnerable and disempowered.

I kept up with my daily meditation and added “fall back to sleep” meditations during insomnia nights. I attended a couple of online grief groups that were surprisingly helpful.

I gave myself permission to be fragile and to not get everything done. I took a day by myself at the beach and wrote down my thoughts for five hours. 

I’m writing to you from the other side of PTSD, but I’m still monitoring myself for evidence of a relapse, for signs I need to take it easier. I’m sharing my experience because I know I’m not alone in my reaction to this crisis. 

Perhaps readers will recognize themselves in what I’ve written and reach out to professionals and their loved ones for help. It gets better when we caregivers realize we need to take care of ourselves.

For more information about PTSD, visit the National Center for PTSD at www.ptsd.va.gov.