I have been blessed with an astute business mind, and am always on the lookout for new pricing models for long-term care. I know we’re in this profession for love, not money. But no margin, no mission, as they say. Which is much better than what they used to say — no profit, no point.
I picked up my most recent fiscally revolutionary concept while patronizing one of the many frozen yogurt purveyors that are springing up everywhere. You know the kind, with the row of sticky spigots and the 97 open vats of crumbled candy, decaying fruit and other mystery toppings. The kids call it froyo, I think. It’s hard to know for sure, because they mumble and won’t look at me when they talk.
Here’s the genius of the self-serve froyo (rhymes with “yo-yo”) experience. You have no idea what it’s going to cost, and you don’t care. You just want, want, want. You walk into that wonderland with the best of intentions — to enjoy a modest tablespoon of Very Berry with a single smashed-up Oreo on top. Then suddenly you’re grabbing those grimy handles like they’re slot machines and watching with glassy, rapturous eyes as your frosty prize is delivered.
At this point, you’re trapped in a prison of pure pleasure, carried along by a current of craving. It’s not like you’ve been hoodwinked, snookered or bamboozled. You knew going in that this product is sold by weight, and that froyo is extremely heavy — the equivalent of ununoctium on the Periodic Dessert Table. But moments later, you’re placing your piled-high dish on the scale and cheerfully paying $8.95 to consume something delicious that’s been marked up an estimated 500%.
The froyo model is almost diabolical in its perfection, so now all we need to come up with is a funding equivalent for long-term care. It can’t be that hard to do. Just create and deliver services so compelling that when legislators step up to the till to pay for them, they’re already so hopelessly hooked that they don’t even bother looking at the actual numbers.
I’m exhausted just from having this marvelous idea, so it’s up to the rest of you to figure out the details. In the meantime, I’ll be at the MoYo franchise down the street. Getting robbed — and loving it.
Things I Think is written by award winner Gary Tetz, who has amused, informed and sometimes befuddled long-term care readers worldwide since his debut with the former SNALF.com at the end of a previous century. He is a multimedia consultant for Consonus Healthcare Services in Portland, OR.
