Here’s one thing I absolutely won’t do — discuss whether or not flu shots should be required for employment in long-term care facilities.
That’s because I’ve learned at least three important truths over the course of my life:
1. Marriage is tricky.
2. Women love to eat outdoors.
3. Opinions can be controversial.
So no, I’m simply not going to get drawn into a debate about this, no matter how much you beg. Because if I say I support flu shots, or that I don’t, an angry reader wielding words sharper than hyena claws will fly into a white-hot frenzy in the comment section. It’s a natural, immutable and painful law of cause and effect.
Therefore, rather than debate whether you should or shouldn’t — though it’s perfectly obvious that you should, and equally clear that you shouldn’t — let’s just figure out a way to make the whole thing more convenient for those who choose or are coerced to undergo this crucial or useless procedure.
The answer, I believe, is to leverage the popularity and convenience of those drive-through coffee sheds parked on every street corner in America. You’re stopping there anyway on your way to work, and will probably get two shots in your latte. So why not a third, delivered via intramuscular injection? Your arm will be outstretched anyway, so you might as well be immunized while it’s there.
Taking this to the next level, let’s also add a row of additional mini-sheds right next to the Coffee and Flu Shot Shed, devoted to accomplishing a whole menu of essential, but often avoided tasks — everything we know we should be doing, but don’t. Forgot to floss? Just pull forward and stick your teeth out the window. Beard a little scraggly (Portland residents only)? Pull forward. Missed confession this week? Pull forward.
By the time these long-deferred personal services have been rendered, your extravagant, handcrafted coffee creation will be done, and cool enough to actually consume. The flosser will strip off her gloves and wave goodbye. The tonsorial lumberjack will nod approvingly. The priest will bless you. A volunteer senior will hand you your drink, and off to work you’ll go — impervious to disease, teeth gleaming, whiskers coiffed and conscience clear.
Want to hear more of my good ideas? Please pull forward.
Things I Think is written by Gary Tetz, a national Silver Medalist and regional Gold Medal winner in the Association of Business Press Editors (ASBPE) awards program. He has amused, informed and sometimes befuddled long-term care readers worldwide since his debut with the former SNALF.com at the end of a previous century. He is a multimedia consultant for Consonus Healthcare Services in Portland, OR.
