Grab life by the cup

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Gary Tetz
Gary Tetz

I grew up in a church that strongly frowned upon the consumption of coffee. It was a sinful stimulant after all. A drug. A gateway to dancing, movie attendance and other horrifying vices. In youth group, I liked to ask questions like, “But is it OK to drink it if I'm trying to stay awake in order to study the Bible?” I didn't get any straight answers, so I eventually chose a life of coffee.

While there are still some who believe my continued intake of this devilish substance has ruined my chances to spend a blissful eternity in paradise, down here on Earth it's apparently prolonging my existence.

According to an article in the New England Journal of Medicine, coffee drinkers are cheating death with every sip. A 13-year study showed that downing two to three cups a day lowered the risk of death by 10%. By my calculations, that means my personal risk went down by at least 30% just yesterday since I drank nine cups. At this rate, I'll live forever after all.

The study was funded by the National Cancer Institute and the AARP, and it also found coffee useful in thwarting heart disease, respiratory conditions, strokes, injuries and accidents, diabetes and infections. It was powerless against cancer, however, and the question of whether it can protect us from falling pianos, robot attacks or The Bachelorette was strangely unaddressed.

This is all good news, of course, especially in long-term care facilities, where the miracle brew is usually dispensed at infusion stations on every wing and floor, and through multi-purpose irrigation drip lines in outdoor spaces. I've also heard that the coffee-filled Camelbak designed by REI especially for on-the-go directors of nursing is really catching on.

As technology continues to transform our profession, it's critical that savvy leaders devote significant resources to the implementation of ever more efficient and innovative coffee ingestion systems. The Real Nurse Jackie has reported that caffeine makes nurses “VERY happy,”  and The Real Bald Gary thinks that's bound to be better for everyone. 

Things I Think is written by Gary Tetz, who cobbles these pieces together from his secret lair somewhere near the scenic, wine-soaked hamlet of Walla Walla, WA. Since his debut with SNALF.com at the end of a previous century, he has continued to amuse, inform and sometimes befuddle long-term care readers worldwide.

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Things I Think

Things I Think is written by longtime industry columnist Gary Tetz, who resides in Portland, OR. Since his debut with SNALF.com at the end of a previous century, he has continued to amuse, inform and sometimes befuddle long-term care readers worldwide.

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