Unfortunately, in this litigious society, and especially as long-term care professionals, we are sometimes put in a position to open our mouths in court. If you worry about this, relax. You couldn’t do any worse than these people.
The snippets below are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word-for-word, taken down and published by court reporters.
So take these as a warning: Think before you open your mouth. (And pause twice as long to do so if you’re an attorney!)
Attorney: Now doctor isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
* * *
Attorney: All right nurse. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.
* * *
Attorney: This is your employee ID?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you kidding me?
* * *
Attorney: So Mr. Wilson no longer works at your facility?
Witness: Correct
Attorney: His contract was terminated?
Witness: I guess you could say that.
Attorney: How was the employee contract terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
* * *
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
* * *
Attorney: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
Witness: Oral.
* * *
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
* * *
Attorney: Are you qualified to take a urine sample?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: OK. Hold on a second. (pause) Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?
* * *
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
At least he didn’t say “practicing medicine” or “working as a nurse”! Whew!
Just keeping it real (and funny),
Nurse Jackie
The Real Nurse Jackie is written by Jacqueline Vance, RNC, CDONA/LTC, a 2012 APEX Award of Excellence winner for Blog Writing. Vance is a real life long-term care nurse. A nationally respected nurse educator and past national LTC Nurse Administrator of the Year, she also is an accomplished stand-up comedienne. She has not starred in her own national television series — yet. The opinions supplied here are her own and do not necessarily reflect those of her employer or her professional affiliates.
