Sleepy? Have a waffle

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Gary Tetz
Gary Tetz

My initial plan was to get up early to write this column. Refreshed and invigorated by a good night's sleep, I would leap out of bed with synapses alert and firing, and my inspired mind would cut through the task at hand like a freshly sharpened chain saw. And this time I would do it alone. Without coffee. Just to prove I could. 

Well, short story short, it turns out I couldn't swing it. And now that I've had a couple cups and am thinking more clearly, I realize such a goal was laughably naïve. Like almost every nursing home employee I've ever known, I'm entirely powered by coffee, and it was foolish to think I could actually accomplish something, anything, without it.

So the issue isn't whether we can live in a world without caffeine — we all know we can't. The real question is how to get that magic stimulant into our central nervous systems as quickly and safely as possible without compromising our effectiveness and efficiency in long-term care workplaces. The answer, I'm proud to report, is finally here: caffeinated waffles.

The selfless geniuses at Wired Wyatt's have created a breakfast pastry that is not only tasty and nutritious, but includes 200 milligrams of caffeine. And unlike that cup of coffee in your hand, a spilled waffle won't short-circuit your EMR device, scald your resident or singe your tongue during morning stand-up. When you need both hands to fight frivolous litigation or break up a disagreement on wound care strategies, a waffle is easily slipped into a pocket — unless it's covered in Wired Wyatt's caffeinated maple syrup. 

The Food and Drug Administration is considering the health impact of all the caffeinated food products being brought to market, a list that now includes beef jerky, potato chips, chewing gum, Cracker Jack and gummy bears. 

It's the sort of thing that's likely to keep a regulator awake at night, even without a waffle.


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