Greetings. Today seemed like the day to tell you that I, Elana, have taken over Elizabeth Newman’s column. McKnight’s made the decision after a detailed data analysis related to what drives pageviews.
Which is obviously my good looks, as you can see. I have named my managing editor as Simon, pictured at left doing copy edits.
So who am I? Let’s start with what will be a relief to many of you, which is that I am devoutly opposed to the Affordable Care Act. There was a total lack of consideration for those of us without opposable thumbs. Plus, accountability, schmaccountability — am I right?
Less controversially, like Elizabeth, I am pro pet therapy, but only with dogs if any actual work is involved. My tribe prefers long naps. If you want to adopt one of us from a shelter and let us lie on a resident’s bed and sleep on heating pads, perhaps we can come to an understanding. I’m all about teamwork.
Like many of your residents, I am anti-cold showers, although I do enjoy dipping my paws into a warm bath or meowing at a closed shower door. I often hear alarms in my neighborhood and (like many of your residents, cough, hairball, hack) I must say, I am not a fan. I am also anti-vacuum and anti-cleaning in general (unless it involves diving into a sink to see what I can find). So good news for all of you feeling like infection control has been overrated.
Perhaps you think a cat has nothing to offer in way of medical or clinical advice. But I
learned my way around your people’s jargon after I stopped eating, drinking and using the litter box in December. After I was dragged to the vet, I spent a day and night hiding under a blanket, crying for freedom. It’s possible at one point I was labeled “aggressive,” and a “use caution” label was slapped on my cage.
There was some discussion of giving me Risperdal. This is only because I tried to instruct a tech on how to properly insert an IV and may have ripped open one of her veins. But turnabout is fair play, is it not? The final verdict after a series of tests and X-rays is, as the vet gravely told my owners, “A pocket of air is trapped in her ilium.” In other words, a lot of money was spent to find out that I had gas. Due to this mismanagement of funds, I feel our future financial needs will be directed to Eli (at right), our new CFO.
I also think it’s important to remember the importance of the quality of life of seniors. I personally live with a cat that is 150 years old in human years. I was told she was coming to live with us in a sort-of-hospice situation, but somehow the combination of a lack of dogs, a lot of food and the stealing of one Justin’s affection (and his lap!) means she appears to be aging backwards. She does not get to go on our new masthead, but I retain my respect for the gray hair she has earned through hard life experiences.
I look forward to hearing your ideas for making McKnight’s even better. And in conclusion, Happy April Fool’s Day.
Elana Katz lives in Chicago with her family. She enjoys laser tag and bird watching.
